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LIFESTYLE COLUMN: DIMITRI'S ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGE

The Reason Some Girls Stay Single

September 5, 2009

I first heard the audio clip below played on my local radio a couple months ago. I was amused, to say the least, back then, but when it came to my attention again recently and in an extended version, I was completely floored. Something like this cannot go without notice or comment. Material like this is just too good:

http://melodymaker.posterous.com/the-reason-some-girls-stay-single-very-funny

Oh dear…where to begin? Ladies, I think I speak collectively when I say that we’ve all been there — being pestered by a guy whom we really have no interest in. In this case, I think the chick’s first mistake was giving him her number at all. It has been my experience that the “let ‘em down easy” tactic is total bullshit. I don’t want a guy to give me his number if he’s not interested in me, therefore I’m not giving out mine if I’m not interested either. All of that aside, the blame of the female in this story ends right there. How could she have known that slightly annoying Dimitri from the club was actually full-frontal crazy?

Let’s start with a breakdown. What I gather from the audio is that Dimitri quickly left his number with the unsuspecting young woman recently, and upon not hearing from her is now calling to enlighten the lady with his many merits and enumerate the reasons why she should call him — in fact, why she is lucky to have the opportunity to call him. This is the first message we hear. Shall we explore some of the highlights? Lets start with 20 seconds in:

Dimitri: “I am single. I have no trouble meeting women. I mean, women approach me…six, seven times a day.”

Great start, Dimitri. Except for one little problem. When one of the first things you feel the need to do is justify your singleness, we are usually tipped off that something might actually be wrong with you, despite your insistence otherwise. Me thinks Dimitri doth protest too much. Let us move on to the 30-second mark.

Dimitri: “You’re extremely elegant. I couldn’t take my eyes off of you, and your friends were very jealous. Even if they say they weren’t, they were envious of the fact that I approached you.”

Your first few words here were delightful, Dimitri. And then you had to bring the friends into the picture…and stroke your own ego at the same time. Deadly combination. Don’t mess with a girl’s friends, Dimitri. Every smart guy should know you don’t mess with the friends.

Dimitri goes on to tell the lady about how particular he is in choosing women, how passionate and direct he is, how he hopes she is not timid because he doesn’t date timid women, how he is looking forward to getting coffee and letting the “romance begin,” etc., etc., ETC. On and on and on this guy goes, spitting increasing levels of nonsense. He ends the message by saying, “I leave the ball in your court. You call me when you have the courage to.”

Yeah…Dimitri, she’s not calling.

But he is! The audio clip continues onto the SECOND message that Dimitri leaves, after apparently being incensed at not receiving a call from her.

Dimitri: “I left you a message several days ago. You said you were interested. Now here’s the way I work. I don’t usually leave second messages, but I like you. You’re a very elegant woman. You’re very attractive, but…I don’t play that game. I know your friends tell you not to return calls. You’re playing games like you see on stupid TV shows. So here’s how it’s going to work…”

Please, Dimitri, do tell us how it’s going to work. Personally, I would say she didn’t call you back = she’s not interested. You aren’t going out with her anytime soon. I’d say that is how it’s going to work. Contrary to popular belief, women, likewise, sometimes just aren’t that into you. But do go on, Dimitri, do go on.

Dimitri: “It is now 4:30 on Wednesday. [...] If I do not receive a phone call back from you by 3:00 Thursday afternoon, I am no longer interested and you can erase my number.

I thought women were the only ones allowed to use ultimatums. Like “marry me or we break up” or “cheat on me and I’ll turn into a regular Lorena Bobbitt.” But I digress. Right now, dear readers, let’s get back to the epic second voicemail of Dimitri. Things are about to get much, much worse.

He begins another rant on how normal he is, what a “catch” he is.

Dimitri: “I’m very intelligent, I’m great in bed, I make great money. Believe it or not, I’m a complete catch.”

Yep. You sound like a catch, Dimitri…but a little ahead of your time. I don’t think we’ve reached the point yet where discussing your sexual prowess on a voicemail is considered good etiquette.

Dimitri: “There is nothing wrong with me. In fact, I’m one of the few men in the city with nothing wrong with him.”

Oy, again with protestation! Dimitri, if you have to tell us that there is nothing wrong with you, then we know that there is definitely something wrong with you. Call it a woman’s intuition, but these are the kinds of signals that we pick up on pretty easily.

The end of the message is where things just get out of control. Dimitri plunges into a rant about how maybe she has psychological issues and that’s why she did not call. Maybe she was abused as a child. Maybe her mother has cancer and is going through chemo.

Maybe she jumped off a bridge halfway through your message, Dimitri. You didn’t pose that option.

He sums up the message by telling her not to call him if she has some psychological issue or is on medication of any kind, but to go ahead and give him a ring if she’s normal and just had some other major event come up that prevented her from calling. Needless to say, the chick didn’t call. Instead, she sent the audio into her local radio where it spread like wildfire, then onto the Internet, and the rest is history. Dimitri will be forever immortalized for his poor candor and twisted discourse with this woman’s answering machine.

I listened to this audio in its entirety for the first time the other night while sitting on the floor of my furniture-less apartment with a good friend and a cheap bottle of red wine. Dimitri’s voice became increasingly more eerie as it bounced off the barren hardwood floors and empty walls. Our amusement and laughter quickly turned to utter dismay and horror in the course of the four-minute audio. Do men like this really exist? I mean, they must…we were listening to one!

Four minutes of Dimitri was enough to make me want to swear off dating for an indefinite amount of time…which is unfair to most guys out there. We’ve all had our horror stories, though most don’t hold a candle to Dimitri, yet still they were terrifying enough at the time. I have to believe, though, that the crazies pave a rough road for everyone else. The “Dimitris” of the world may be the reason that some girls decide to stay single, but they are also the reason that the good guys get a bad rep.

Gentlemen, learn from Dimitri. Do the exact opposite of everything he did. This, I can almost guarantee, will bring you some success.

Ladies, laugh at Dimitri. Share him and his epic voicemails with your girlfriends…and let it end there. We are evolved enough by now to know that this isn’t the norm, right? I’d like to think so…and I think our gentlemen friends would hope so as well.

And if anyone meets this Dimitri, please send him my way. I could use a constant source of good comic material in my life. You can’t make stuff like this up; it has to come straight from the source.